The concept of self-esteem has been popular in psychology and the self-help industry for decades. And the understanding of what self-esteem is has changed over time. Over the last several years in particular, some psychologists have convincingly argued for a groundbreaking new way to see self-esteem, grounded in a lot of scientific research, which the general public and most of the self-help industry has not caught up with. If you’re struggling with self-esteem issues or you know someone who does, this new understanding will help you a lot.
In general, self-esteem is seen as a sense of competence and self-worth that one has about their own person. So far so good; this is something most experts agree with. Self-esteem is also very often seen as something that comes from within, and that does not depend on the approval of others. True self-esteem, many say, comes from you liking yourself, not from others liking you. This is where things get problematic.
Evolutionary psychologists were among the first to raise some important issues regarding this second part of the common perception of self-esteem. Evolutionary psychology views many of our psychological traits as complex adaptations that developed over hundreds of thousands of years of evolution to aid our survival and reproduction as a species.
Experts in this field have argued that a mechanism for liking yourself regardless of how others see you wouldn’t make much sense as an adaptive trait. However, since we humans are a social species and we lived for over 95% of our existence in hunter-gatherer bands and tribes where cooperation was crucial, a mechanism for liking ourselves based on assessing our value for the tribe would make a lot of sense. And so, the view on self-esteem began to make a big shift.
The Experiments That Changed Things
Mark Leary, currently a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, was among the first to suggest that self-esteem actually tracks our relational value. And he ran some interesting experiments that demonstrate this.
One type of experiment started with asking some folks to rate how much they care about other people’s opinions of them. Then he invited those who said they don’t care much in the research lab. The experiment consisted in having these individuals (let’s call them speakers) go into a room one at a time and talk into a microphone about themselves for several minutes. In another room there was another person (let’s call them the evaluator) who would hear what the speaker said in real-time and asses who much they liked the speaker on a scale from 1 to 7. They would do this several times while the speaker talked, and each time the score would immediately be transmitted to a screen in the speaker’s room.
There was a catch though: the evaluator was actually a collaborator who didn’t give honest ratings, but instead, according the experimenter’s instructions, they would start by giving the speaker a decent rating, and then the rating would slowly but surely go down. Imagine being the speaker and talking about yourself. You first see a score of 6 on the screen. Not bad. Then a 5, a 4, another 4, a 3, a 2, another 2… What the heck is going on? The more you talk, the more the person assessing you seems to dislike you.
More importantly, the speaker’s self-esteem was evaluated right before and right after this task. The results showed that the speaker’s self-esteem took a nose dive after the task. And keep in mind, these participants were people who said they cared very little how others view them. This and many other experiments done by Leary and his colleagues showed that, regardless what they claim, people do care how others see them and their self-esteem suffers when they’re judged negatively by others, even by anonymous strangers.
Based on the results of these experiments, Leary developed what is currently known as the sociometer theory of self-esteem. According to this very credible theory, self-esteem tracks our relational value. Thus, when we perceive we have high value to others as partners of various kinds, we have high self-esteem. And, when we perceive we have low relational value, we have low self-esteem.
Raising Your Self-Esteem
Many people are outraged by the idea that our self-esteem depends on how others see us. They think we should like ourselves regardless of other people’s opinions about us. But I don’t really see it as a problem. As mentioned above, we are social creatures, and thus having value for others not only helps us feel good about ourselves, but also helps us develop win-win interpersonal relationships. And the desire to feel good about ourselves motivates us to improve ourselves as social partners.
I believe the real problem regarding self-esteem is A) when we underestimate our social value and thus have unwarranted low self-esteem, and B) when we act in a perfectionist manner towards relationships and we expect every person we meet to like us and approve of us. These are unhealthy attitudes which undermine healthy self-esteem.
So, when I work with people on developing their self-esteem, I embrace the fact that it depends to a notable degree on how high we deem our relational value to be, and I make use of this. Thus, in coaching, I help my clients:
- Discover their strengths and likable qualities (which many people have no clue about);
- Use and reveal their strengths effectively in social interactions, so they convey their relational value;
- Find creative ways to employ their strengths in novel social situations;
- Develop new qualities and improve existing ones, in order to increase their social value;
- Find social niches where they can meet people who appreciate the kind of skills, personality and lifestyle they already have;
- Let go of social perfectionism and replace it with a healthy desire for social acceptance and respect.
Of course, you can do all of these things on your own as well (although you’ll get faster results working with a competent coach).
The main point is to shift your focus from the traditional self-help goal of learning not to care what others think of you (which in my experience is not a realistic or desirable goal) and instead seek to better appreciate your current social value, grow as a person and raise your social value, as well as learn to accept that some people will not value you as much as you’d like no matter what. This shift in focus will help you build healthy, authentic self-esteem, instead of struggling to become indifferent as a rock regarding social approval and then feeling guilty for not succeeding.
When you have genuine self-esteem, at times you may feel bad when someone rejects you, but you’ll quickly bounce back, knowing that many other people appreciate you. Most of the time however, fully aware of your relational value, you’ll feel emboldened to reach out to other people, interact with them, be yourself and seek an authentic connection with them, wherever it may be found.
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