The mindset you hold when making conversation with someone influences greatly your conversation style, the path the conversation takes, the results you get with the other person, and how much you enjoy the interaction overall.
Most of the bestselling self-help books on making conversation have a common theme. You can find it in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie (which was the first personal development book I ever read, way back in high-school, and I initially loved it), How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes, and many others.
This common theme is reflected in conversation advice that usually sounds like this:
- Let the other person do most of the talking and be a good listener.
- Talk about what the other person is interested in, even if you lack interest in said topic.
- Smile, nod, and try to seem cheerful, even if you’re really not feeling that way.
- Give the other person compliments that seem genuine; make them feel important.
- Keep up with the latest news and gossip just to have small-talk topics.
- Avoid criticism, complaining and conflict; be nice and courteous with everyone, etc.
Can you see a common theme in all this advice?
It’s all based on the unstated assumption that your goal in conversation is (or should be) to please everybody and make them like you. This is an assumption that a lot of self-help books start from, and a mindset that many people operate on.
The Approval-Seeking Problem
There is a big problem with this mindset. Actually, there are two of them. One is that it’s not rational: Why should you seek to make everyone like you? Why is that so important? What’s the big deal if some people are just that not fond of you? I’ve been coaching people on conversation skills for more than a decade, and I still haven’t gotten a reasonable answer to any of these questions. Approval-seeking-all-around is simply not a rational mindset to have.
The other problem is practical: When you focus on pleasing everybody, a lot of bad things happen. You become a chameleon and you lose your sense of who you really are; you make every social interaction an exhausting chore; you fret and stress about every word you say or gesture you make; you often end up being seen as a desperate people-pleaser; and the list could go on for quite a while.
Overall, thinking that your goal in conversation is to make everyone like you is just not a healthy mindset to have. Fortunately, there are superior options.
The Better Mindset
A much better mindset from my perspective is what a refer to as a win-win mindset in conversation. This mindset begins with acknowledging the fact that your needs in a social interaction are in no way less important than the other person’s needs. So, when you’re discussing with someone, you try to make it an experience that both parties enjoy and benefit from; a win-win conversation.
Yes, you seek to be socially calibrated and respect basic social etiquette. You don’t call the other person “fat”, ignore everything they say, or dump all your problems on them. But you also seek to be authentic and expressive, and ensure you have a good time as well.
Also, with a win-win conversation mindset, you don’t seek to generate a superficial fondness of the other person towards you. Instead, you seek a deeper and genuine connection, based on shared experiences, interests and values.
And if that connection is not there to be found, you accept it and you move on. Because, while win-win conversations are the ideal, sometimes there just isn’t enough common ground and willingness to cooperate between the parties involved for such a conversation to happen. And then, it’s time to cut your losses and go talk to someone else. The win-win mindset is about seeking win-win conversation, not about needing to make every conversation a win-win.
Developing This Mindset
Of course, it’s one thing to recognize consciously that it’s better to seek win-win conversations than to try and please everybody, but it’s another thing to operate on this mindset like it’s your second nature in every discussion you have. Your mindsets operate at both a conscious, deliberate level, and a subconscious, automatic level.
So, to be able to seek and make win-win conversation naturally and have the most fun doing it, you need to internalize this win-win mindset and make it a part of your automatic, subconscious, social interaction programming. In my experience as a coach, this usually works best by applying strategic changes to your thinking and your behavior over a period of time, which gradually drive conscious mindsets into the subconscious.
The techniques for change commonly used in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and Coaching, which I frequently rely on in my work with clients on mindset-change are some of the very best out there, and there is a ton of scientific research that documents their efficiency. I highly recommend you read more about them, and then you use them, either on your own or with the support of a competent therapist or coach. It will be worth it.
With the right mindset, operating at both a conscious and subconscious level, your whole perspective on making conversation shifts. Thus, you feel differently when talking to people, you engage in conversations differently, you connect with others better, and you have a whole lot of fun doing it. For me, that’s what good conversation is about.
Great article hits the bullseye!